That Smile

If I close my eyes, I can see it still. From across the room or a million miles away. I can still feel how it lights up the room and makes my heart melt. That smile makes my day. If nothing else in the world, I love seeing that smile. The way your eyes crinkle, and your cheeks demand to be involved. A smile on your face means everything is perfect and none of the bad stuff ever happened.

Unfortunately, when I open my eyes it's gone. It's like a grey cloud with no sign of sunshine for miles. It stops me in my tracks and takes my breath away. For the first time in my life I've realized that my happiness has always depended on someone else's. I want to make people happy. When I open my eyes now, I realize I've drastically failed. The only person to blame is myself. I can't make people happy when happiness is something that is already inside us.

Deep inside everyone has happiness that they either hide from or shine bright where everyone can see. People ask me what I want in life, and all I have ever answered is to be happy every day. The moment I feel I've found my happiness, here comes the clouds. It's decades of trying and failing that leaves me wondering how deep my own happiness is.

Realizing now that it's not inside someone else's smile, I start looking inside for my own. My happiness lies within my children. The way they're growing and watching my every move. The way they're stronger than me in so many ways. That is my happiness. My happiness is in my mornings. When I wake up and it's quiet leaving me time to enjoy a free moment inside my own head. My happiness is in that first cup of coffee, that river bend that carries us away, those roads that get me lost, and those songs I sing completely off tune. I've always had it. I just didn't know I was as happy as I have been until my sunshine went away for a moment.

I wish everyone saw me as a happy person. Instead I'm a grump. By all means I'm a happy grump though. It's going to take me a while to find the light again, but inside I'm blessed. I'm grateful for what I have, grateful for the times I've had with the people I love. I am grateful for loving people so much that my heart aches for them daily. I'm grateful for crying when I feel lost because it makes me feel alive. I'm grateful for being me. And I'm grateful that people love me for who I am. I have no regrets. I've lived a life full of glorious moments with the most amazing people in such a short time. Even though some of those people are no longer with me physically, in my heart they will always be.

That smile will forever be in my thoughts. I will never  forget the moments that put that smile on my face and yours. I will never forget that inside we are all happy people in a world full of chaos and confusion just trying to find our way. I am part of a world full of people that have the greatest happiness inside them trying to find their sunshine and that is my true happiness. I'm glad to be a part of the mess.

Turning The Page

Dear Daughter on your Birthday,

Today is the day. You've adventured this Earth for 18 years now. Your age will define you as an adult. I figured it's time I let you in on some secrets that sometimes we forget to tell our children as they reach this point.

First of all, you'll always be my baby. Suck it up, it's the truth. I grew you, I birthed you, I watched you grow. You hurt me. You hurt me while inside me. Hurt me outside of my body and sometimes you still hurt me. I earned the right to call you my baby for the rest of your life. Own it. It's not going to change.

Second, enjoy every moment you have. Don't wish your days away by trying to hurry through moments to get to something more important. Every day is important. Every moment. You'll look back one day and skip years of memories because you didn't live each day to what it was supposed to be.

Your family isn't always blood. Sometimes it's more than that. Sometimes your family is the people around you that take care of you and push you forward when you feel like giving up. You will feel that. The feeling of giving up. Fight through that one.

Friends come and go. You don't need to have only a select few, make your circle big. Your heart will be betrayed by friends. You'll make new ones, don't let it destroy you. Your heart will be shattered by people you think loved you. Put the pieces back together and don't dwell on the past. Fill the cracks with new loves, new memories and new adventures.

Don't be boring. Accept all invites you possibly can. Being a couch potato is not living life. Get out there, do something and have fun doing it.

Be the person everyone can count on. When someone needs you, be there. If you don't, they'll never be there for you when the time comes that you need help.

Don't talk behind people's backs. You got something to say, say it to their face, or keep your mouth shut. Being shady is a form of art, not a form of life. Your words do hurt and your actions are louder than anything you will ever say.

Don't trust anyone to be your happiness. You are the only one that can make yourself happy and relying on others will only set you up for sadness and heartbreak. If you aren't happy, it's your fault and that's the truest thing you'll ever learn.

Life isn't about money, but it is the only thing that keeps it going. Keep a savings to yourself. Don't splurge if you can't afford it and don't buy things that don't make you honestly happy. Happiness is not found in things, it's found inside you. Don't cover your sadness with things, you'll drown in materials and never find your way out.

Find someone. A life partner. Someone to hold your hand and love you forever. You'll know who they are. And don't settle. Pretending the person is your everything can waste years of your life and tear away all you are. You see one red flag, you get out. Life is too short to overlook the bad things.

Violence is not the answer. Walk away. Don't strike your children unless they deserve it, and they will, and don't strike someone you love unless you plan on losing them. Keep your hands to yourself. You'll get mad, it's in your genes, but you are stronger than your DNA, and you will know when it's time to walk away. Do it.

When you have kids, and I'm sure you will, remember everything I did. Be their confidante, their friend, but also show them you are guiding them. You are their mother first, their friend last. They'll hate you more than anyone at times, but you just keep on doing it. It will pay out in the end. Teach them to be strong, smart and most importantly, caring. Teach them respect is given at all times regardless and that they are powerful human beings. Love them. Hold them, kiss them and show them they are loved every day. Do NOT teach them they are better than anyone else, or that they can walk all over people. Teach them to be disrespectful and that is what they will be. Stand beside them. Never in front of them and never behind them. Love them unconditionally and fight to the death for them. That's the best advice I can give

Lastly....

When everything falls to shit and you feel like giving up, don't. Look at it as one more day, and then another and another. Giving up is never an option. Giving up is the greatest weakness anyone can ever express. When it gets to be too much, come to me. I'll always be here. I'll always be in your corner, just like I was every moment you felt like your world was falling apart in the past 18 years. I've been there. On your side. I'm your constant. No matter who comes and goes, who hurts you, or who makes you happy, your mother is always going to be your best ally. Don't ever let me go.

So today the switch flips, and my work is done. I've done my very best and I may have thought I failed but we both know damned well that isn't the case. You made it. You are strong, smart, beautiful and one amazing little girl. There isn't a single moment of it that I would change, and don't you ever think there are regrets. We, as a team, made the best of the life we were given and look at you!

Today and slowly for the next few years, be patient with me, I'll slowly let you go. It's tearing me apart to think about it, but I know you've got the heart to do anything and be anything. Just don't forget where you came from. Don't forget who you are, and don't ever forget you are not better than anyone else. Be you. Be happy. Be strong. Mostly, don't ever forget your Momma loves you, and you'll always be my little girl, no matter how many years you've been on this Earth.

Xoxoxo

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!