"The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls."
Edgar Allan Poe
I'm going to say what I have been hiding from saying for months. For the past 10 years, I lived the perfect life in pictures. All over social media, my wife, my two girls and I led the life everyone dreamed of. Happy family, perfect life.
Behind the screen it wasn't true. Even if I didn't know it then, I sure as hell know it now. I was living a life where every day I faltered further and further from the path I thought I was on. There was a sadness in me I didn't know and it grew stronger when I ran from a sexual assault, then when I lost my best friend, and it morphed out of control after having my baby girl. Call it depression, call it post traumatic stress, postpartum depression, I don't care what you call it. It was a monster growing inside me, and I could no longer hide from it.
The monster inside me exploded the day my wife of 10 years decided she no longer loved me. She couldn't handle my sad, my mad, my crazy or my inattentive behavior any longer. The day she packed her bag and walked out of my life the monster took over and I cowered in a corner like a weak resemblance of what I thought I was. For a month I didn't eat, sleep, or simply move without crying. No longer could I pretend I was happy without lying and I certainly couldn't pretend I was myself because I no longer knew who I was. Inside or out.
I fought hard. I begged, changed, vowed to never be sad again, pleaded with her every which way I knew how to, and still, she stayed miles away. Until one day it was shoved in my face that my wife had decided to fall in love with my friend and destroy all trust and faith I had in the marriage we had. That day, changed my life forever. A marriage isn't about the happy parts. Marriage is about making sure that all the parts fit together even when some of the parts need fixed. When something is wrong, you talk about it. You don't hide it. And you certainly do not pretend like everything is ok when it absolutely is not. Friendship... you do not cross that line, the ultimate betrayal, and you do not pretend to be someone's friend while you are pining for their spouse for over two years. That day the beliefs I had in marriage and friendship collided and fell into a fiery pit of hell.
In my eyes, marriage is about holding on through everything and friendship is about trust. As I realized I was still alive and the changes I was making were for me and no one else, I stood up, wiped the dust off and carried on. No it isn't the same. I still fall down but I always get back up. More than ever I get back up because now I have two girls watching me when I fall. Two girls that I wouldn't wish a moment of my life through these months on. Two girls that I'm still raising to be stronger than I could ever be.
After the split, I lost a lot of friends, and half a family. People that used to call, don't call. Friends that used to laugh with me, don't even see me. Parties I had no longer happen and gatherings are non existent. No dinners with friends, outings with families or late night calls about gossip. I'm alone where I am and I've accepted that. All I have is two little girls that are relying on me to make sure that the sun comes up tomorrow and the stars make their way to the place they need to be. So this is me. Totally new and redefining what I thought I was.
In my marriage, I didn't realize I was overcome by my own self, my own sadness and my own pity and I let that ruin what my wife felt a marriage should feel like. But let me tell you this, I never let go. I didn't go looking for love during my marriage and I certainly didn't destroy any boundaries in doing so. I know who I am, and I admit my faults. The things that were done were unforgiving, but not on my part. I needed to change myself, fix what was going on inside my head and in my life. Where I faltered was believing that I had people there to hold my hand and help me through my life regardless of what I had done or who I had become. Once I figured that out, I made my changes on my own, and I found my own path. I found what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I own my mistakes because they are a part of me. They make me who I am today and I am stronger than I have ever been. I've got a lot of dirt to knock off of me still, but in the end, I'll get there a little dirty and certainly a mess, but I'll get there one way or another. I'll get right where I need to be because through it all, I stayed true to myself and who I was.
My marriage to my wife is over, but my life is just beginning. I am ready to be who I have always wanted to be for my children first and foremost. And I only want to share that with someone who is going to love me every minute of every day regardless of my ups and downs, my bumps and bruises. Someone who won't cross lines, betray my heart, or make me question who I am ever again. Someone who won't walk away from me so easily and someone who will walk beside me, not in front of or behind me. I need a partner, not a submissive or someone wanting to mold me into someone else to their advantage. Someone beside me.
So I said it. It's out there. I'm not perfect. Never said I was. I just wanted to believe everything was okay, when it wasn't. That's my downfall. I saw my life through rose colored glasses and everything always looked like it would be okay. Until that one moment where someone shoves you so hard you fall off the cliff and land right smack dab on your ass. The ass is bruised. The heart is mending. The road I'm on looks pretty amazing and my windshield is much cleaner than my rear view mirror.
Buckle up kids. It's going to be a bumpy ride!
