The Monster Within Me

"The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls."
Edgar Allan Poe

I'm going to say what I have been hiding from saying for months. For the past 10 years, I lived the perfect life in pictures. All over social media, my wife, my two girls and I led the life everyone dreamed of. Happy family, perfect life.

Behind the screen it wasn't true. Even if I didn't know it then, I sure as hell know it now. I was living a life where every day I faltered further and further from the path I thought I was on. There was a sadness in me I didn't know and it grew stronger when I ran from a sexual assault, then when I lost my best friend, and it morphed out of control after having my baby girl. Call it depression, call it post traumatic stress, postpartum depression, I don't care what you call it. It was a monster growing inside me, and I could no longer hide from it.

The monster inside me exploded the day my wife of 10 years decided she no longer loved me. She couldn't handle my sad, my mad, my crazy or my inattentive behavior any longer. The day she packed her bag and walked out of my life the monster took over and I cowered in a corner like a weak resemblance of what I thought I was. For a month I didn't eat, sleep, or simply move without crying. No longer could I pretend I was happy without lying and I certainly couldn't pretend I was myself because I no longer knew who I was. Inside or out.

I fought hard. I begged, changed, vowed to never be sad again, pleaded with her every which way I knew how to, and still, she stayed miles away. Until one day it was shoved in my face that my wife had decided to fall in love with my friend and destroy all trust and faith I had in the marriage we had. That day, changed my life forever. A marriage isn't about the happy parts. Marriage is about making sure that all the parts fit together even when some of the parts need fixed. When something is wrong, you talk about it. You don't hide it. And you certainly do not pretend like everything is ok when it absolutely is not. Friendship... you do not cross that line, the ultimate betrayal, and you do not pretend to be someone's friend while you are pining for their spouse for over two years. That day the beliefs I had in marriage and friendship collided and fell into a fiery pit of hell.

In my eyes, marriage is about holding on through everything and friendship is about trust. As I realized I was still alive and the changes I was making were for me and no one else, I stood up, wiped the dust off and carried on. No it isn't the same. I still fall down but I always get back up. More than ever I get back up because now I have two girls watching me when I fall. Two girls that I wouldn't wish a moment of my life through these months on. Two girls that I'm still raising to be stronger than I could ever be.

After the split, I lost a lot of friends, and half a family. People that used to call, don't call. Friends that used to laugh with me, don't even see me. Parties I had no longer happen and gatherings are non existent. No dinners with friends, outings with families or late night calls about gossip. I'm alone where I am and I've accepted that. All I have is two little girls that are relying on me to make sure that the sun comes up tomorrow and the stars make their way to the place they need to be. So this is me. Totally new and redefining what I thought I was.

In my marriage, I didn't realize I was overcome by my own self, my own sadness and my own pity and I let that ruin what my wife felt a marriage should feel like. But let me tell you this, I never let go. I didn't go looking for love during my marriage and I certainly didn't destroy any boundaries in doing so. I know who I am, and I admit my faults. The things that were done were unforgiving, but not on my part. I needed to change myself, fix what was going on inside my head and in my life. Where I faltered was believing that I had people there to hold my hand and help me through my life regardless of what I had done or who I had become. Once I figured that out, I made my changes on my own, and I found my own path. I found what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I own my mistakes because they are a part of me. They make me who I am today and I am stronger than I have ever been. I've got a lot of dirt to knock off of me still, but in the end, I'll get there a little dirty and certainly a mess, but I'll get there one way or another. I'll get right where I need to be because through it all, I stayed true to myself and who I was.

My marriage to my wife is over, but my life is just beginning. I am ready to be who I have always wanted to be for my children first and foremost. And I only want to share that with someone who is going to love me every minute of every day regardless of my ups and downs, my bumps and bruises. Someone who won't cross lines, betray my heart, or make me question who I am ever again. Someone who won't walk away from me so easily and someone who will walk beside me, not in front of or behind me. I need a partner, not a submissive or someone wanting to mold me into someone else to their advantage. Someone beside me.

So I said it. It's out there. I'm not perfect. Never said I was. I just wanted to believe everything was okay, when it wasn't. That's my downfall. I saw my life through rose colored glasses and everything always looked like it would be okay. Until that one moment where someone shoves you so hard you fall off the cliff and land right smack dab on your ass. The ass is bruised. The heart is mending. The road I'm on looks pretty amazing and my windshield is much cleaner than my rear view mirror.

Buckle up kids. It's going to be a bumpy ride!

Tiny Purple Bows

I can't sleep. I laid there, well medicated, and entirely willing to sleep until the sun reached it's highest point. Yet, here I am, sitting in my car at nearly 4 a.m., watching the lighting, listening to the thunder, and watching the rain droplets fall down my windshield. Regretting that I left my mother's house tonight, and wishing I'd of stayed with her until all of this made sense. Who's to tell if I would ever be able to leave?

Regret is an awful emotion. Going through our lives there are so many different things we all regret. Things we wish we would have done and didn't, would have said, but couldn't. Our lives are built with regret.

My biggest regret is that I can't always protect everyone I love.

My daughters will get bruises. They'll feel pain. One day they'll feel the ultimate heartbreak. I won't be able to protect them. I have to understand that.

My parents and grandparents spent years protecting me, but yet I can't protect them from the moment that they will be taken from me. I can't control that.

I can't protect my significant other from losing a battle with their own heart. I can't protect them from the outside world's pressure or stress. All I can do is watch as they fall apart and give up.

I can't protect my brothers as they fight for a country they would give their own lives for. I can't protect them when they're fighting to protect my family at home. There's no way I can intervene.

There are three sisters in our family. I am the oldest. My entire life I have tried my damndest to protect them. Rescuing run aways. Fighting for them in hotels when all they wanted was out of a terrible situation. I stood in front of my sisters numerous times fighting back for what they wanted and believed in.

When we were very young, a man once tried to molest my sister while I was in another room. I didn't think twice about stopping it. I had to protect what was mine and what definitely was not his. No regrets.

Protecting the girls from abusive boyfriends, bad choices and destructive paths has always been my job.

Until recently.

That's not my job anymore. At this very moment, I have realized that I am no longer able to protect my girls. I sat in a chair tonight and watched my two sisters talk. I watched them and realized that I spent so many years watching and protecting them that I never saw that I didn't have to do it. I didn't need to protect them because somewhere through the years, they started protecting themselves. Somewhere along the way, my sisters stopped being my little sisters and became women fighting their own battles successfully on their own.

This week we say goodbye to a very important piece of our family. My sister's daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a beautiful soul. As we say goodbye to her, I watch my sister fight her own battle right in front of me, and for the first time in my life, I can't protect her. There's no one to pull away from her, no one to yell at or fight with, or nowhere I can take her to get her out of the situation. This is her battle. She's not alone, by any means. The entire family stands right beside her. However, the only person taking the reins and throwing the punches is going to be her.

As I sat there, staring at her, I saw her grow up right before my eyes. The years of protecting that little baby girl ended the day she stood up stronger than I ever could. The day I saw her fighting a war I knew would take my very last breath.

I regret not being able to protect my family at every moment in their lives. I regret not being able to stop heartache as I know nobody could. I regret the impossible, but still yet, all of me wishes I could. Every person I have seen this week would say they'd take the pain from her if they could. In the end, it's impossible. Her battle.

This week we will all wear purple bows. Those bows resemble a life that was taken all too quickly from a family that has spent years holding on tight when no one ever believed we could. A family that has never faltered in the hardest of moments.

My purple bow means a little more than that. It means I am not in control. The people in my family are on a huge journey of circumstances beyond their control. Beyond my control. Only now we are all tied just a little bit tighter.

Each and every one of us are now tied together by little tiny purple bows.

Each bow stronger than the next. I will leave my family today knowing that they are fighting their own battles. They will hold strong, as always, whether I'm there or not. I know that because there's nothing anyone or anything can do to break this bond between us. They never have been able to, and they never will.

Stronger than ever, we are tied together, with tiny purple bows.