With that being said, this is not a "good morning"
My Grandma plays an awfully big part in my life. I had problems growing up, and she was my shoulder. She could control me, she brought out the best in me. Showed me who I wanted to be and raised me up to be just like her. She's sick. She is not doing well, and we know the time is coming. Liver cancer, dementia... it's just not good. I'm not ready for the day, but I'm ready for her to be in a better place... or am I?
I woke up early with a pit in my stomache, something didn't feel right. Something didn't seem to be going right. I don't want to pretend like it was, or like it was something I could get away from, but something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it. I got Brandy up, scooted out the door at 5:40 to get her to work. It takes all of 12 minutes or so to get her there, so it would be a quick ride. Out the door we go, down the road we roll. Brandy looks over at me and she must see it too... she says "Baby are you okay?" I thought for a second and realized, no- no I'm not... I said to her "I just don't feel good Bran". We finished our quiet ride to her work, she opened the door got her stuff, looked at me and said "Try to think positive today." I said okay and she went on her way. After she shut the door I wondered just what that meant. I didn't tell her I was thinking negatively or that I was even considering thinking negatively. What a silly thing to say to me. I pulled away from the building to head home and get ready for work myself. I turned the radio station to 105.1 as I got to the stop sign at the end of the street. The song playing swelled up my eyes and made it so hard to breathe....
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Tears welled up, pit of my stomache tightened, and I felt like throwing up at this time. I just knew something was wrong, I could feel it. I dialed her number . . . Ring. . . ring. . . ring. . . no answer as usual.... Answering machine. . . "Grandma it's just me, I wanted to call you and let you know that I am thinking about you. Yep I'm thinking about you all day today. I can't wait to come home soon and give you big hugs and kisses and tell you I love you. Well, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and that I love you muches! See you soon." (Message left at 5:55) Don't judge me, but I had to express my feelings, so as I reached a second stop sign, I pulled out my cell phone and posted to Facebook the following statement : Today is harder than all of the rest. It's so hard not to be home right now. So hard to not pack up my stuff and leave this very moment... (Posted at 6:03) I pulled in to my driveway and the feeling is still there. The feeling of losing a part of my heart, what the hell is going on!!!!! I'm calling the nursing home. I swung open my car door and dialed the number... the lady on the line answers the phone crying... why is she crying?. . . Is she having a bad day? .. . I hope she's ok.... "I'd like to talk to someone about my Grandma, I just want to know how her health is today."... She says "Honey, who is your Grandma?" ..... "Pattie Kindley" . . . Silence. . . she says, "What's your name?" . . . they need to know if I'm on the list of people who can have the information... "Jackie Patrick".... Silence... crying again.... "Honey, she passed away...." No she didn't no she didn't no she didn't.... "NO she didn't! You're wrong!"... "I wouldn't be wrong about this. I'm sorry, I've been trying to get a hold of her sons. I can't reach them." "No she didn't! I'm calling her sons now, I'll call them. I'll call them." (Called at 6:05 am) I hang up. I throw my phone, I hit the steering wheel, harder, harder, the horn honks, my head bows, here come the tears... no no no no. Say it over and over and maybe it won't be true. I grab my purse, pick up my phone and head for the stairs, it's not fair. I can't do this by myself. Why today? What is happening?
Now what do I do? I call Brandy- No answer- Text her - no reply
Call my Uncle - her son... oh he'll be so sad... His wife answers, I tell them... They're calling the nursing home. I tell them, to find out if it was a mistake. It has to be a mistake. The wrong person passed away. Oh how sad that will be...
Call my Aunt - her daughter. . . she doesn't know.... her husband answers the phone... They're calling the nursing home. Once again, I tell them to find out if it is a mistake.
My phone goes crazy- Incoming calls, outgoing calls. It's true, they all call me back. It wasn't a mistake. She's gone....
Call my mother.... I need my mom. Mom help me......... This hurts and I need you right here right now.... I can't breathe, I can't do this. Please please make it stop.... She can't, she can't help. She's too far away, and she can't bring grandma back. Where is Brandy? I need Brandy! Call Hannah, no answer. Denna please answer.... she answers.... crying.... "Denna, she's gone.... Denna I don't know what to do...." Denna says, "calm down, I'm calling Hannah..." Hang up.
Call work, call in. Done, now what do I do? I don't know what to do... Where do I go? oh please make it stop... Please make this stop.... I can't do it without her. Who's going to talk about weather? She can't call me and say "Did you call me?" So cute when she does that....
Do I know her recipes? What about Christmas? What do I do at Christmas.... Oh Please please please make it stop... I don't know what to do....
