That Smile

If I close my eyes, I can see it still. From across the room or a million miles away. I can still feel how it lights up the room and makes my heart melt. That smile makes my day. If nothing else in the world, I love seeing that smile. The way your eyes crinkle, and your cheeks demand to be involved. A smile on your face means everything is perfect and none of the bad stuff ever happened.

Unfortunately, when I open my eyes it's gone. It's like a grey cloud with no sign of sunshine for miles. It stops me in my tracks and takes my breath away. For the first time in my life I've realized that my happiness has always depended on someone else's. I want to make people happy. When I open my eyes now, I realize I've drastically failed. The only person to blame is myself. I can't make people happy when happiness is something that is already inside us.

Deep inside everyone has happiness that they either hide from or shine bright where everyone can see. People ask me what I want in life, and all I have ever answered is to be happy every day. The moment I feel I've found my happiness, here comes the clouds. It's decades of trying and failing that leaves me wondering how deep my own happiness is.

Realizing now that it's not inside someone else's smile, I start looking inside for my own. My happiness lies within my children. The way they're growing and watching my every move. The way they're stronger than me in so many ways. That is my happiness. My happiness is in my mornings. When I wake up and it's quiet leaving me time to enjoy a free moment inside my own head. My happiness is in that first cup of coffee, that river bend that carries us away, those roads that get me lost, and those songs I sing completely off tune. I've always had it. I just didn't know I was as happy as I have been until my sunshine went away for a moment.

I wish everyone saw me as a happy person. Instead I'm a grump. By all means I'm a happy grump though. It's going to take me a while to find the light again, but inside I'm blessed. I'm grateful for what I have, grateful for the times I've had with the people I love. I am grateful for loving people so much that my heart aches for them daily. I'm grateful for crying when I feel lost because it makes me feel alive. I'm grateful for being me. And I'm grateful that people love me for who I am. I have no regrets. I've lived a life full of glorious moments with the most amazing people in such a short time. Even though some of those people are no longer with me physically, in my heart they will always be.

That smile will forever be in my thoughts. I will never  forget the moments that put that smile on my face and yours. I will never forget that inside we are all happy people in a world full of chaos and confusion just trying to find our way. I am part of a world full of people that have the greatest happiness inside them trying to find their sunshine and that is my true happiness. I'm glad to be a part of the mess.

Turning The Page

Dear Daughter on your Birthday,

Today is the day. You've adventured this Earth for 18 years now. Your age will define you as an adult. I figured it's time I let you in on some secrets that sometimes we forget to tell our children as they reach this point.

First of all, you'll always be my baby. Suck it up, it's the truth. I grew you, I birthed you, I watched you grow. You hurt me. You hurt me while inside me. Hurt me outside of my body and sometimes you still hurt me. I earned the right to call you my baby for the rest of your life. Own it. It's not going to change.

Second, enjoy every moment you have. Don't wish your days away by trying to hurry through moments to get to something more important. Every day is important. Every moment. You'll look back one day and skip years of memories because you didn't live each day to what it was supposed to be.

Your family isn't always blood. Sometimes it's more than that. Sometimes your family is the people around you that take care of you and push you forward when you feel like giving up. You will feel that. The feeling of giving up. Fight through that one.

Friends come and go. You don't need to have only a select few, make your circle big. Your heart will be betrayed by friends. You'll make new ones, don't let it destroy you. Your heart will be shattered by people you think loved you. Put the pieces back together and don't dwell on the past. Fill the cracks with new loves, new memories and new adventures.

Don't be boring. Accept all invites you possibly can. Being a couch potato is not living life. Get out there, do something and have fun doing it.

Be the person everyone can count on. When someone needs you, be there. If you don't, they'll never be there for you when the time comes that you need help.

Don't talk behind people's backs. You got something to say, say it to their face, or keep your mouth shut. Being shady is a form of art, not a form of life. Your words do hurt and your actions are louder than anything you will ever say.

Don't trust anyone to be your happiness. You are the only one that can make yourself happy and relying on others will only set you up for sadness and heartbreak. If you aren't happy, it's your fault and that's the truest thing you'll ever learn.

Life isn't about money, but it is the only thing that keeps it going. Keep a savings to yourself. Don't splurge if you can't afford it and don't buy things that don't make you honestly happy. Happiness is not found in things, it's found inside you. Don't cover your sadness with things, you'll drown in materials and never find your way out.

Find someone. A life partner. Someone to hold your hand and love you forever. You'll know who they are. And don't settle. Pretending the person is your everything can waste years of your life and tear away all you are. You see one red flag, you get out. Life is too short to overlook the bad things.

Violence is not the answer. Walk away. Don't strike your children unless they deserve it, and they will, and don't strike someone you love unless you plan on losing them. Keep your hands to yourself. You'll get mad, it's in your genes, but you are stronger than your DNA, and you will know when it's time to walk away. Do it.

When you have kids, and I'm sure you will, remember everything I did. Be their confidante, their friend, but also show them you are guiding them. You are their mother first, their friend last. They'll hate you more than anyone at times, but you just keep on doing it. It will pay out in the end. Teach them to be strong, smart and most importantly, caring. Teach them respect is given at all times regardless and that they are powerful human beings. Love them. Hold them, kiss them and show them they are loved every day. Do NOT teach them they are better than anyone else, or that they can walk all over people. Teach them to be disrespectful and that is what they will be. Stand beside them. Never in front of them and never behind them. Love them unconditionally and fight to the death for them. That's the best advice I can give

Lastly....

When everything falls to shit and you feel like giving up, don't. Look at it as one more day, and then another and another. Giving up is never an option. Giving up is the greatest weakness anyone can ever express. When it gets to be too much, come to me. I'll always be here. I'll always be in your corner, just like I was every moment you felt like your world was falling apart in the past 18 years. I've been there. On your side. I'm your constant. No matter who comes and goes, who hurts you, or who makes you happy, your mother is always going to be your best ally. Don't ever let me go.

So today the switch flips, and my work is done. I've done my very best and I may have thought I failed but we both know damned well that isn't the case. You made it. You are strong, smart, beautiful and one amazing little girl. There isn't a single moment of it that I would change, and don't you ever think there are regrets. We, as a team, made the best of the life we were given and look at you!

Today and slowly for the next few years, be patient with me, I'll slowly let you go. It's tearing me apart to think about it, but I know you've got the heart to do anything and be anything. Just don't forget where you came from. Don't forget who you are, and don't ever forget you are not better than anyone else. Be you. Be happy. Be strong. Mostly, don't ever forget your Momma loves you, and you'll always be my little girl, no matter how many years you've been on this Earth.

Xoxoxo

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!

The Monster Within Me

"The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls."
Edgar Allan Poe

I'm going to say what I have been hiding from saying for months. For the past 10 years, I lived the perfect life in pictures. All over social media, my wife, my two girls and I led the life everyone dreamed of. Happy family, perfect life.

Behind the screen it wasn't true. Even if I didn't know it then, I sure as hell know it now. I was living a life where every day I faltered further and further from the path I thought I was on. There was a sadness in me I didn't know and it grew stronger when I ran from a sexual assault, then when I lost my best friend, and it morphed out of control after having my baby girl. Call it depression, call it post traumatic stress, postpartum depression, I don't care what you call it. It was a monster growing inside me, and I could no longer hide from it.

The monster inside me exploded the day my wife of 10 years decided she no longer loved me. She couldn't handle my sad, my mad, my crazy or my inattentive behavior any longer. The day she packed her bag and walked out of my life the monster took over and I cowered in a corner like a weak resemblance of what I thought I was. For a month I didn't eat, sleep, or simply move without crying. No longer could I pretend I was happy without lying and I certainly couldn't pretend I was myself because I no longer knew who I was. Inside or out.

I fought hard. I begged, changed, vowed to never be sad again, pleaded with her every which way I knew how to, and still, she stayed miles away. Until one day it was shoved in my face that my wife had decided to fall in love with my friend and destroy all trust and faith I had in the marriage we had. That day, changed my life forever. A marriage isn't about the happy parts. Marriage is about making sure that all the parts fit together even when some of the parts need fixed. When something is wrong, you talk about it. You don't hide it. And you certainly do not pretend like everything is ok when it absolutely is not. Friendship... you do not cross that line, the ultimate betrayal, and you do not pretend to be someone's friend while you are pining for their spouse for over two years. That day the beliefs I had in marriage and friendship collided and fell into a fiery pit of hell.

In my eyes, marriage is about holding on through everything and friendship is about trust. As I realized I was still alive and the changes I was making were for me and no one else, I stood up, wiped the dust off and carried on. No it isn't the same. I still fall down but I always get back up. More than ever I get back up because now I have two girls watching me when I fall. Two girls that I wouldn't wish a moment of my life through these months on. Two girls that I'm still raising to be stronger than I could ever be.

After the split, I lost a lot of friends, and half a family. People that used to call, don't call. Friends that used to laugh with me, don't even see me. Parties I had no longer happen and gatherings are non existent. No dinners with friends, outings with families or late night calls about gossip. I'm alone where I am and I've accepted that. All I have is two little girls that are relying on me to make sure that the sun comes up tomorrow and the stars make their way to the place they need to be. So this is me. Totally new and redefining what I thought I was.

In my marriage, I didn't realize I was overcome by my own self, my own sadness and my own pity and I let that ruin what my wife felt a marriage should feel like. But let me tell you this, I never let go. I didn't go looking for love during my marriage and I certainly didn't destroy any boundaries in doing so. I know who I am, and I admit my faults. The things that were done were unforgiving, but not on my part. I needed to change myself, fix what was going on inside my head and in my life. Where I faltered was believing that I had people there to hold my hand and help me through my life regardless of what I had done or who I had become. Once I figured that out, I made my changes on my own, and I found my own path. I found what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I own my mistakes because they are a part of me. They make me who I am today and I am stronger than I have ever been. I've got a lot of dirt to knock off of me still, but in the end, I'll get there a little dirty and certainly a mess, but I'll get there one way or another. I'll get right where I need to be because through it all, I stayed true to myself and who I was.

My marriage to my wife is over, but my life is just beginning. I am ready to be who I have always wanted to be for my children first and foremost. And I only want to share that with someone who is going to love me every minute of every day regardless of my ups and downs, my bumps and bruises. Someone who won't cross lines, betray my heart, or make me question who I am ever again. Someone who won't walk away from me so easily and someone who will walk beside me, not in front of or behind me. I need a partner, not a submissive or someone wanting to mold me into someone else to their advantage. Someone beside me.

So I said it. It's out there. I'm not perfect. Never said I was. I just wanted to believe everything was okay, when it wasn't. That's my downfall. I saw my life through rose colored glasses and everything always looked like it would be okay. Until that one moment where someone shoves you so hard you fall off the cliff and land right smack dab on your ass. The ass is bruised. The heart is mending. The road I'm on looks pretty amazing and my windshield is much cleaner than my rear view mirror.

Buckle up kids. It's going to be a bumpy ride!

Tiny Purple Bows

I can't sleep. I laid there, well medicated, and entirely willing to sleep until the sun reached it's highest point. Yet, here I am, sitting in my car at nearly 4 a.m., watching the lighting, listening to the thunder, and watching the rain droplets fall down my windshield. Regretting that I left my mother's house tonight, and wishing I'd of stayed with her until all of this made sense. Who's to tell if I would ever be able to leave?

Regret is an awful emotion. Going through our lives there are so many different things we all regret. Things we wish we would have done and didn't, would have said, but couldn't. Our lives are built with regret.

My biggest regret is that I can't always protect everyone I love.

My daughters will get bruises. They'll feel pain. One day they'll feel the ultimate heartbreak. I won't be able to protect them. I have to understand that.

My parents and grandparents spent years protecting me, but yet I can't protect them from the moment that they will be taken from me. I can't control that.

I can't protect my significant other from losing a battle with their own heart. I can't protect them from the outside world's pressure or stress. All I can do is watch as they fall apart and give up.

I can't protect my brothers as they fight for a country they would give their own lives for. I can't protect them when they're fighting to protect my family at home. There's no way I can intervene.

There are three sisters in our family. I am the oldest. My entire life I have tried my damndest to protect them. Rescuing run aways. Fighting for them in hotels when all they wanted was out of a terrible situation. I stood in front of my sisters numerous times fighting back for what they wanted and believed in.

When we were very young, a man once tried to molest my sister while I was in another room. I didn't think twice about stopping it. I had to protect what was mine and what definitely was not his. No regrets.

Protecting the girls from abusive boyfriends, bad choices and destructive paths has always been my job.

Until recently.

That's not my job anymore. At this very moment, I have realized that I am no longer able to protect my girls. I sat in a chair tonight and watched my two sisters talk. I watched them and realized that I spent so many years watching and protecting them that I never saw that I didn't have to do it. I didn't need to protect them because somewhere through the years, they started protecting themselves. Somewhere along the way, my sisters stopped being my little sisters and became women fighting their own battles successfully on their own.

This week we say goodbye to a very important piece of our family. My sister's daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a beautiful soul. As we say goodbye to her, I watch my sister fight her own battle right in front of me, and for the first time in my life, I can't protect her. There's no one to pull away from her, no one to yell at or fight with, or nowhere I can take her to get her out of the situation. This is her battle. She's not alone, by any means. The entire family stands right beside her. However, the only person taking the reins and throwing the punches is going to be her.

As I sat there, staring at her, I saw her grow up right before my eyes. The years of protecting that little baby girl ended the day she stood up stronger than I ever could. The day I saw her fighting a war I knew would take my very last breath.

I regret not being able to protect my family at every moment in their lives. I regret not being able to stop heartache as I know nobody could. I regret the impossible, but still yet, all of me wishes I could. Every person I have seen this week would say they'd take the pain from her if they could. In the end, it's impossible. Her battle.

This week we will all wear purple bows. Those bows resemble a life that was taken all too quickly from a family that has spent years holding on tight when no one ever believed we could. A family that has never faltered in the hardest of moments.

My purple bow means a little more than that. It means I am not in control. The people in my family are on a huge journey of circumstances beyond their control. Beyond my control. Only now we are all tied just a little bit tighter.

Each and every one of us are now tied together by little tiny purple bows.

Each bow stronger than the next. I will leave my family today knowing that they are fighting their own battles. They will hold strong, as always, whether I'm there or not. I know that because there's nothing anyone or anything can do to break this bond between us. They never have been able to, and they never will.

Stronger than ever, we are tied together, with tiny purple bows.

5479 Days

To My Oldest Daughter:

You amaze me. Everything about you amazes me. I couldn't live a moment without you in my life. There is so much you have taught me and you don't even know it. So much I wish I could have taught you. Today on the 5479th day of your life, I want to wish you a very happy 15th Birthday. 

If nothing else, remember this:  It doesn't matter who you are, as long as you know where you came from, and where you've been and never go back. Keep going forward.

You saved my life the day you were born. For that, I will forever be your biggest fan.

Love,
Mom

A Letter to My Daughter

Micaela K. - The best thing that ever changed my life...

There comes a time in your life where the only thing that matters is you. That time is now.

You are the center of my world. Everything I do and have done is for you. The mistakes I've made are voiced so you know what they are. So you know where I've been and you know where not to go. They are your visual realization that a mistake does not have to weigh you down. You can adapt and overcome.

Growing up is hard to do. It's a choice everyone makes at some point in their lives. You have shown me numerous times that I am raising a woman and not a child anymore. You have grown in to someone I wish I could have been my entire life. You feel pain and you rise above it. You feel heartache and you don't let it become you. The better person in life is the person who knows they have been let down by someone, but they know they are raised above all others by someone else and that is what matters more than the let down.

For someone your age, you have been able to handle more than most can handle in a lifetime and I am so very proud of you for that. Something so simple is something more powerful than what some people believe it to be. The little things in life do matter. The little things are what you will remember for the rest of your life.

If nothing else, please remember these things:

You will be hurt - You hurt to remind you that you are alive. If it wasn't for hurt, you wouldn't know what pain was and you would lose compassion and heart for those around you. Hurt makes you understand things better. Hurt helps you get through hard times by reminding you that you are alive. The pain will subside, and you will overcome the emotion.

You will have regrets - When you get older, and look back on your life, the things that will disappoint you the most, will not be the things that you did do. The things that will disappoint you the most will be the things that you didn't do. Do everything. Dream big, and don't look back. Like you said - Shoot for the stars and by all-means do not miss!

One day, you will want to give up - One of the worst feelings in the world to have is the feeling of not knowing whether to hold on to something or give up. Look to your heart for answers. Not your mind, your mind is an evil thing that only wants something "right now". Your heart wants "forever". If you are holding on to something that only makes you feel good today, but can't make you feel good tomorrow or yesterday - your heart wants you to let it go. But remember this - Never give up on me, because I have never, and will never, give up on you.

There will come a time in your life that you will lose someone that you love - This reminds you that life is precious and that everything around you should never be taken for granted because one day it will be gone.

Someone will take advantage of you - When taken advantage of, you lose a piece of who you really are. A part of your spirit dies each time someone abuses your caring nature, your selfless acts, or your heart. Let people in, but don't let them take a piece of you when they leave.

You will build walls - It's okay to keep walls up. The people that hurt you the most deserve to stay on the outside of the perimeter, but never hold out the people that you need closest to you. Your closest allies are the ones that have been your constant believers.

and lastly....

The World Is Yours...  - Do not ever doubt yourself. You can be and will be, more than anyone could have imagined. You're strong. Your independent, and you are a miraculous woman. You can do anything you set your mind to. Accomplish things you never thought you could, and never let anyone tell you that you can't.

I love you very much. I hold you to high standards, and expect the most out of you. That's not because I don't care about you or because I don't want you to be a kid. It's because I love you, because I believe in you, because you are my legacy. You are who you are because you did it, not because anyone else did. You are who you are because you are made that way. You come from a long line of women that are watching over your every move. Watching your steps, and watching you become what they never could have been.

Nothing you do will ever change my love for you. I am here, not behind you, but beside you, every step of your way through life. One day you will understand my love for you. One day you will be everything I ever dreamed you to be and I can not wait to see you become who you were always meant to be.

You're my heart, my soul, my everything. I'm nothing without you.

Changing My Life in Three Minutes of Pure Anguish

I knew, eventually, I'd have to blog about this. However, it's a good thing I waited because it wouldn't have been thought through and probably wouldn't make any sense at all.

In my life, I know very few things. I know that you have one chance to live the life you want to live. If you make wrong choices, you'll pay for that until you find a better path. I know that family is everything. I also know that one moment can change your life forever.

My life has been changed.

On August 24th, we celebrated my little Olivia's first birthday. We had friends over and enjoyed a very happy day in our back yard. A wonderful photographer captured every single moment of the day, and the memories we were making. I look back at those pictures now, and can't imagine that five days later my life would get turned upside down.

Olivia, like I said, is one. She was born August 20th, 2012.

On August 29th, 2013 Olivia woke in the morning around 1:00am. She was acting hysterically and I couldn't make out the few words she was trying to say. It was like she was drugged. She flopped on my bed like a fish, giggling one minute and screaming the next. It was a hard moment to see her like that and I wanted to call the doctor immediately because I'd never seen her act that way, and it was just out of sorts. We didn't call the doctor, and we finally got Olivia to bed at 3:30am or so. I made a bed on the floor beside her crib and settled in for the night because I just felt something was wrong. I had to be up at 5:30 am to get ready for work, so I knew it was going to be a long day.

That morning we woke up as normal and got Olivia to the babysitter. She seemed tired, but nothing too extraordinary so I didn't think anything of it. I dropped her off, and carried on about my day. Around 10:00 AM I received a call from our babysitter saying that Olivia hadn't eaten and that she was running a fever of 102. That concerned me, so I told the babysitter to give her Tylenol, and I'd call the Doctor from work. When I got the Doctor on the line, they told me they could get her in at 2:00 PM for an appointment. I was fine with that, so I scheduled. I continued working, and left work around 1:00 PM to go get the baby and take her to her appointment, just thinking it may be an ear infection or something of that sort.

When we got to the doctor, her temperature was normal. Her ears were fine and there was no reason for the weird behavior or high temperature she had just hours before. She gave us an antibiotic for an ingrown toenail she was developing and we went on our way. I went and picked up Micaela from school and then went to the pharmacy to pick up the antibiotic. Micaela was carrying Olivia in the pharmacy and said "Mom, she's really hot!" I looked over at Olivia and her face had gone flush. I called the doctor right there on my phone and let the doctor know that the fever had returned. They put me on hold. During that time I went back out to my car and started to leave. I glanced in my mirror to the back seat at Olivia, and that's when it started....

Olivia's eyes were rolling in the back of her head and she was gagging. I didn't know what to do or how to act. I was sure she was having a seizure, but my car couldn't move fast enough. I got to the Emergency Room in about 8 minutes. The seizure had subsided by then and we went straight in. When I picked her up, my entire body was sweating at the heat she was putting off. I'd never felt someone so hot. They got her in the room and her temperature was taken. 104.8! WOW...

When in the room, they tried to get an IV in her, and she pulled it out. They tried again and they blew vein after vein, eventually giving up. They took blood and urine samples. All coming back okay and fever never going down. 6 hours later, and with a temperature of 103, they released us telling us she would be okay, but probably have a fever for 24 hours. They told us to return if she developed a rash or the symptoms worsened. Leary at the least, I left to go home and settle in for the night on a spare bed with my baby at my side.

I couldn't sleep at all. She was so hot, her temperature not decreasing no matter how much medicine I forced in her. She was uneasy and not able to hold still. She eventually drifted off just as it was time for me to get ready for work again. So I got up, and went to get ready as I looked at her facing a wall and sleeping with her arms tucked under her tummy.

It took me about 6 minutes to get my clothes on and get dressed. I walked back in to the room where she was at and I noticed that she was still laying in the same position. I told Brandy that I wanted to take her temperature and she said "But she's sleeping." I said "No she's not, her eyes are open." At the same time, both Brandy and I got closer and realized that baby Olivia was not with us... Her eyes were open, her arms and legs were twitching - but for that moment, I thought my daughter had left this world for good.

My heart raced, my mind stopped, my world ended... I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. What do I do? Where do I go? Brandy screamed to call 911, Micaela and her friend jumped on the bed trying to get Olivia to react to anything to no avail. This was it, this was my life, this was the end of everything I had ever known. Right here and right now, my life was coming to the worst heart-wrenching pain I could ever imagine.

After what seemed like a lifetime, my body started to move. I raced for the phone and ran out the front door. Tears streaming down my face. I don't know where my body was taking me or what I was doing but my fingers dialed 911 and the nightmare began:

"911 what's your emergency"

"I need an ambulance to ****address**** my daughter is unresponsive! I need an ambulance NOW hurry!!!"

"Ma'am give me the address again."

"****address****"

"Is she breathing ma'am?"

"YES! Just get me a damned ambulance *** Damn it!"

"How old is your daughter ma'am?"

"She's one. She's one! Help her please help her!"

"We're going to. We're coming ma'am. What happened to her? Why is she unresponsive?"

"She had a fever yesterday and she was shaking today. She's shaking so much and she's not okay. Please help me...."

"Okay, we're getting help. Help is coming, please take a deep breath ma'am. I need you to breathe. I'm connecting you to dispatch now."

"JUST GET ME AN AMBULANCE!!!! She's not okay, she's not okay, she's not okay!!!"

"This is dispatch"

"Yes we have a mother on the line her one year old daughter is unresponsive."

"Ma'am do you know if she is breathing?"

"LISTEN TO ME!!! I NEED A F***ING AMBULANCE GUYS!!! She's not going to be okay if you do not get here now. She's breathing she's shaking, I NEED HELP!"

"Ma'am take a deep breath. Breathe in with me we're going to count to five okay?"

"Okay..."

"1.... 2.... 3.... 4.... 5.... "

"Okay now ma'am where is your daughter at? Is the door unlocked for responders to get in?"

"She's in the living room, and yes, I'm outside."

"Who's with your daughter ma'am?"

"Her sister and her other mom. They're trying to wake her up."

(sirens in the background)

My front door swings open and my daughters friend, who has been helping try to wake up the baby also, comes out the door "She's awake! She's awake!"

Me to the lady on the phone "She's awake!" I run for the house. My legs trembling beneath me.

"Ma'am stay on the phone with me until the responders get there."

"Okay okay!"

(sirens closer now)

"Ma'am what does she look like now?"

"She's breathing - she's shakey - but she's awake. The ambulance is here. I can hear them. They're here."

"Okay, do you want me to hang up ma'am? Are you okay?"

"Yes, they're here. They're going to help."

"Okay call back if you need help again ma'am."

"K" I hang up the phone, and sit on the side of the bed with my baby looking around like she doesn't understand what is happening. The entire phone call took 4 minutes and 59 seconds. Three minutes of that my daughter was not awake. She was not here, and I thought I had lost her. I was sure I had lost my child at 7:45 AM on Friday August 30th 2013.

The first responders, police and ambulance are in my house. My neighbors are on their porches and peeking out their windows. Curiosity killing them. I look in to the eyes of the little girl that stopped my heart, and the paramedics tell me she's good enough for me to take her myself without ambulance if I want. The police officer chimes in and says that he will escort us.

My oldest daughter and I climb in to the car with baby Olivia and we are escorted to the emergency room of the hospital we had just left last night. When we get there they take her temperature and she's scorching at 105.1.

They admit her immediately. Once again trying to get a vein and blowing every one they try, while she screams "Mommy" as loud as her little lungs can allow. My heart still racing, my mind still blank, my face burning with fear. What is going on? Why is this happening?

They admitted us to Pediatrics, and we started our fight. From Thursday morning at 1:00 AM to Sunday evening my baby girl had a high fever ranging anywhere from 101.0 to 106. It was heart wrenching to watch them poke her, prod her, and invade her little body. Her head held an IV and at one time it blew and they had to put one in her back. Saturday she broke out in a rash on her entire body, and blisters in her throat. Everything was ruled out: Kawasaki disease, Coxsackie virus, Hand Foot Mouth Disease. They tried everything to find answers and never found the answer to any of this. The only way to pinpoint the disease was to do a spinal tap. If we did a spinal tap, they they may figure out the disease, but the treatment would still entail treating only the symptoms. We're dealing with an enterovirus here, and there is not a cure, so symptoms are all we can deal with anyway. We're not invading this baby anymore. Just fix her and bring her back to me.

For these days she was not Olivia. She wasn't happy, she wouldn't walk, she wouldn't speak well like she had. She loved on me, but it was more of a fearful love. She didn't want me to let her go. When people walked in the room she'd cry, Just knowing she was about to be invaded once again. Taking her temperature turned in to a task. She'd scream, she'd cry she'd yell for mommy. There was nothing I could do for her. Nothing I could do.

She slept in a crib too far away from me, so I'd climb up there with her. If this crib is good enough for the baby, than it is good enough for me. I held her hot, helpless body. I cried with her, I begged for prayers from churches, friends, and families. I needed prayers. She needed prayers, she needed strength. She was fighting an invisible disease, and there was nothing I could do. I had to turn this over to God. I prayed with all my might. A friend of mine, who is a pastor, came and prayed with us and his wife also. It was our only hope to get her better and out of here. Sunday night, I prayed harder than ever and I begged the disease to come to me and leave her. I'd take the pain away from her in an instant.

By Monday morning her body started to win the battle. The fever subsided, the rash started to diminish, my heart started to beat again. She's alive. She's going to be okay. She's coming back to us. She's stronger than I thought, God has done great things in her, and I am beyond blessed to have played witness to this amazing little girls struggles.

Tuesday morning we received word that we could finally escape this nightmare. We could take our baby home.

As I close the book on this nightmare, I realize there are new things in life that I know. I know I will continue having these heart-wrenching nightmares for some time, and I know I will wake up and go in her room to check on her every time I get a chance. I know my daughters are important to me and life is never going to be the same. I'll never take them for granted. Lastly, I will never think I can fight something without the power of God and the power of prayer.

Hold your children tight, and no matter how hard it is, never believe for a second they are not stronger fighters than you will ever be!

(Going home)